Is Your Job Worth A Long-Distance Relationship?

In the new film Like Crazy, opening today, two college students (played by Felicity Jones and Anton Yelchin) meet at an unnamed LA-based university and fall deeply in love. There is just one problem. She is British and has an expired visa. He is a furniture designer that has to stay in California. She eventually gets a prestigious job as an editor at a magazine. And so a sad, frustrating, agonizing and difficult long-distance relationship is born, complete with a sentimental soundtrack. Even though the protagonists in the film are in their early 20′s, they were already having to deal with choosing career over their relationships. But what about in real life?

When it comes to work versus romance, the stereotype has been that men put a premium on career goals while women focus more on family and friends. Not so, according to a study published recently in the scientific journal “Gender Issues.” Men were more willing than women to sacrifice achievement for a romantic relationship, according to the study conducted by Catherine Mosher of Duke University Medical Center and Sharon Danoff-Burg at the University of Albany. Researchers asked 237 undergraduates to rate the importance of goals such as financial success, career, education and contribution to society, as well as goals such as romantic relationships, marriage, children and friendship.

When you compare long distance relationship statistics with others relationships, results show you that around 40% of long distance relationships don’t end well. There are no statistics about whether these relationships ended because the person felt their job was more important than their relationship and vice versa. In some ways it seems to be a great test of the relationship because if both people can put their career first and still have their relationship survive then it is probably the real thing. Clinical psychologist Jill Kristal said, “A long distance relationship can create opportunity for the couple to build important life skills: improved communication, trust and greater individual identity. The key is understanding the impact of the transition and actively planning for potential pitfalls.”

Taylor Carson had just gotten engaged in December of 2010 when she was offered her dream job a few months later in Atlanta. Her fiance was going to move there as soon as he found a job but then he was promoted at his company.

“We will get married despite the fact we don’t live together. We are both committed to working really hard in our 20′s and focusing on our careers so that we can settle down in our 30′s and devote our lives to our family. In the meantime, we’re having a blast living the “jet-setting” lifestyle and experiencing as much as we possibly can. I miss him more than words can describe but am thankful-beyond-compare for his respect, encouragement and commitment to my career and dreams.  Both of us are very happy in our jobs and in no hurry to leave them. However, we miss each other beyond description. We plan to marry despite the fact we don’t live together. We are happily traveling down our unique path and enjoying it every step the way and are eager to see where it leads us.”

Kaity Fischer said she is glad she decided to take a job in Chicago that removed her from her boyfriend in Detroit:

“When I made the choice, from his view it looked like I was putting a job before him in my priorities. I disagreed completely with that outlook and instead framed is as, “Moving will not guarantee that we break up. Me staying for our relationship and being resentful to you that I didn’t take a great opportunity will.”

Thankfully I love my job, which helps confirm that this was the best choice for me. When I went into it, I kept telling myself that we our entire lives to be together, but I don’t have the rest of my life to start my career. Making a good choice in terms of future career opportunities (as opposed to moving for a job that could have torn us apart AND I didn’t like) has assured me that making the move was the right choice for me. Looking back now I know that because a career is such an important part of my life, I need to have a significant other who can make it through instances like this… for others whose jobs might not be such an integral part of who they are, that might not be such a necessity in their relationship.”

Nancy Fagan and her husband lived apart for three years during their marriage because of her career:

“My husband’s career is in Boston. The move was really tough on him because I was moving for my career. Up until that point, we’d always moved for his which meant I had to restart my business every where we moved. We planned on moving to San Diego when he retired but did not want to wait 10 years (he’s 11 yrs older than I am). I wanted to start growing business roots once and for all. With the crash of the economy, I knew it would be cost effective to do it then.

It took about a year for our marriage to adjust to the separation. It was hard on both of us because we really missed each other. Our marriage is even stronger because of the long distance and with my business going strong, we are both glad I put my career first.”

These relationships are still intact but as the women said the long-distance represented a challenge for them but in these cases it made their relationships stronger. In many other cases the relationship can’t survive the distance and the person then has to decide if the job is worth more than  preserving the relationship.

This may be why more and more people these days are choosing to wait when it comes to making decisions about marriage and family. It is not unusual for people to delay marriage until their late 30’s or even their early 40’s. Women don’t need husbands in the way that they used to which could be a major factor as to why the number of single adults rose to 50%  in 2010, compared to 33% in 1950, according to census data. Atlantic writer Kate Bolick writes, “according to the Pew Research Center, a full 44% of Millennials and 43%of Gen Xers think that marriage is becoming obsolete.”   We earn our own money now while 50 years ago, that really wasn’t possible. And we actually don’t even need men to have children now with the amazing invention of IVF. But a lot of women of course do want to get married but they aren’t approaching it like generations before them did. Bolick has written about the fact that women don’t need to “marry up” like they used to. Now women are the “up.” Women may also be looking at men differently now because they don’t have to just think “Does this person have good reproductive potential?”

There are a lot of factors when it comes to choosing a job over a long-distance relationship or deciding the relationship is worth the career sacrifice. In the end you need to pick what will make you the most fulfilled as a person and be proud of that and stand by it. If it is your career that will make you more fulfilled then that is the right choice.