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Jennifer Dziura writes career advice for The Grindstone on Fridays and life coaching advice for our sister site, TheGloss, on Tuesdays.
When I was in the fourth grade, my Girl Scout troop leader called my mother to “suggest” that I leave the troop. Why? I was being “too sarcastic” and “intimidating the other girls.”
Well, you can only imagine the kind of family that produces the kind of nine-year old that earns ALL THE MERIT BADGES and yet makes ALL THE WISECRACKS. So, whatever my mom said to Miss Tina shut that plan down real fuckin’ quick.
I have since learned to be much less sarcastic, because I like other human beings and want to help them, and I prize civility and good citizenship. Good citizenship is best pursued by reserving corrosive sarcasm for making Rick Perry parodies on Youtube.
In any case, I’m amazed when I hear stuff like this letter from a reader I’ll call Ada Lovelace (the first computer programmer):
What I’ve noticed and find really disturbing is the number of other graduate students, all girls, who complain that they “don’t get” to talk in classes enough.
Aside from the fact that some male professors continue to (hopefully accidentally) downplay what a female student is saying, I’m worried that women still just aren’t comfortable enough in expressing themselves in the classroom or the boardroom, where I’ve also seen it occur before I abandoned the 9 to 5 for academia.
I’m an introvert by nature, but I know the importance of expressing your views in certain situations, so I find it frustrating when a woman has a great idea, but doesn’t share it because she’s too shy or not forceful enough in getting people’s attention. I also can’t stand the idea of “getting to talk” because no one “allows” a male student to talk, so why would a female student feel the need to be allowed to talk?
I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter because it seems like my advice (i.e. jotting down at least 3 things to discuss for each book/article you had to read for class, so that you don’t feel unprepared; taking up physical space at a table in the classroom or the boardroom, instead of meekly sitting back from the table with your arms folded around yourself; etc.) is not always taken to heart or maybe it’s just not valuable. I don’t know. Thoughts?
Ada, you are absolutely correct that power (or airspace) is not granted; it must be taken!
I think I’ve never personally had trouble in this area at least in part as a result of being an oldest child – everything I ever said, I got to feel like the first person to ever say it, ever. The dinner table was my oyster.
But I also recently received a question about mentors (I wrote a column on the topic once, here), which has caused me to think about the fact that, if I ever really had any role models, they were all male – just Captain Picard and James Bond. Mostly Captain Picard. A little Commander Data. I mean, it just seemed easier to absorb Jean-Luc Picard’s diplomatic skills than to grow enormous breasts like Xena: Warrior Princess.
Am I alone in thinking that most successful women have a sort of … inner male alter-ego? I mean, if Prince can record an entire album as his lady-self Camille, why not? I read a study that suggested that when women look at porn, they are far more likely to imagine themselves as the men they’re watching than men are to imagine themselves as women, ever.
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128 days ago
[...] Bullish: Speak Up Like A Competent Badass In Class And At Work [...]
I love the assertive message of this article. I am sick of hearing many of the 20something females in my office drone on about being victimized by the good ol’ boys networks that are present in corporate America. Yes, they exist. And yes, they suck. But blaming your exclusion on a lack of football knowledge and distaste for beer is pathetic. Come up with something truly interesting and impressive to say and people, male and female, will listen.
Thanks, everyone! I have been chatting about the opposite-gender-alter-ego thing with others for a few days now, and apparently lots of women have male role models and alter egos (and are easily able to imagine themselves as the protagonist in a commercial or movie), and the reverse is far less true. Even if it’s like a commercial where the woman drives a racecar and is rewarded with beer. What an interesting topic for some future time.
Sincerely,
Jen
Thanks for this- I thought I was the only one with an inner male alter ego LOL. I also needed the “how to shut up” section a lot more than the learn to speak section, as well as the reminder that not all of my sisters rock their job like me
“[...] women in countries with far more serious sexism [...]” YES, this. I’m constantly explaining to people, when I inform them I’m a feminist and they say stupid shit like “oh, but it’s practically equal in Canada, what can you even do?” that I can become a still-quite-rare lady with a business degree, and that I can work towards helping women in places where they have almost no rights to things we in the first world don’t even think about having access to.
Competition is a good thing. Sexism is a real phenomenon. Fostering an environment that promotes fairness and competition is not easy to say the least. How weird (and just plain wrong) was that when rumors went around that dodge ball was a no go because some kids feeling were hurt when they would lose. The men and women that are ingauged in a competition for the same scarce resources (jobs, raises, respect) are equally sexist of eachother. Someone is going to get knocked out. I didn’t get the job at Hooters waiting tables because I’m a man. I am also less like to be hired as a kindergaden and elementary school teacher because I am a man. If women want to play dodge ball, and they are knocked out, cry me a river. Get the referee to watch the instant replay.
Ha! I have a male alter-ego named Kron that I invented when I had to learn how to lead in Ballroom dance. Kron dance very good, yes! Maybe I should let Kron out in a workplace environment more (without the ridiculous barbarian accent of course).
The thing is, it’s just so hard to speak up sometimes. I find that in almost every professional situation I find myself in, when I voice my opinion and push to have my suggestion implemented, people just shoot me down – and if I push harder to try and convince them, they treat my suggestions like I am trying to create conflict, or a petty fight.
I don’t know what it is that I do – I think I’m pretty good at being firm but diplomatic, but in the end I always just cave because I prefer to maintain social harmony instead of getting my way and causing friction within the group.
…and then most of the time I end up being right, and we are all screwed over because of the bad decision making process, and we end up sleeping in the rain (funny story! Not.)
Anyways, I just don’t know how to be unwaveringly confident about my opinions without coming off as a harpy, which is what I assume happens since I feel like I am often not taken seriously.